It should not be harmful for us to believe in miracles, at least for a day, or minute, or a second.
With all your good Christmas spirit, I would like to ask a second of your time to help me create a miracle.
In return I will share my secret with you:
What a hard time my last year was.
After hundreds of observations, psychologist meetings, interviews with specialists, it was concluded that my little daughter might have autism (she is not yet officially diagnosed). Well, it’s not the end of the “normal” world, it’s just the beginning of learning about a new, beautiful, different, sensitive one. Who knows what I should expect.
It is not an easy and quickly baked decision for me to write it publicly, as I was going to keep it private. I have speculated about it a lot. But if I will not accept autism as being part of my life and not talk about it directly, how on the earth should I expect that surrounding people will also accept it.
The first time I learned about autism as such was on the 01.09.2009. I was highly pregnant and 3 days before I gave birth to Amelia. On that day I learned about autism via a special event. Being pregnant, my husband, mother-in-law and I were participating in a music video shootage of a song titled “Living Life as an ordinary Autist”. The main point of the song (performed by a very beautiful and talented autistic girl) and of the video is that we are all different by nature and it’s ok to be different (or perhaps just be able to live a normal life even though you have autism). Therefore, ordinary people, representing different age groups were dancing with autistic kids.
I had fun that day. I was proud of myself, that I was that pregnant and I was dancing cha-cha-cha. Looking back, I am embarrassed of myself. It was not about me, it was about these special, talented and interesting kids. I met many boys and girls, who have autism and Aspergers syndrome, but I had not talked to any of them. They all were closed in their own world, by their own special door- some of them managed to send me an “empty” smile or “cold” blink, while others were just absent. And I even didn’t try to ignite a conversation, because I didn’t know how.
Now I am wondering, how this could happen to me and my child? I love kids and I do care about kids a lot. Was it a coincidence that I was dancing in a video shootage with autistic kids AND gave birth to a (possibly) autistic child 3 days after? Was I already being tested by a higher entity that time? If yes, then I failed the test. The Universe had presented something unknown to me. And I did nothing to “learn” about it, and I didn’t show the eagerness to interact with these kids. Maybe they waited for that, they just didn’t know how to unlock their doors themselves. I should had found a key and tried to open it. I should have talked to these kids; I should have at least tried.
For that, I am embarrassed for myself, and I have good reasons, as Robert Moran said:
“I have autism. It is not a disorder or a disease. IGNORANCE is a disorder AND a disease…”.
I still don’t know that much about autism. I and my husband have to undergo several more consultations and meetings with specialists, read books and attend educative courses, as well as to go through a series of officially recognized tests. Thus for now, I am not sure how I will have to help Amelia to open her door. Therefore, I can see it as my first task to let people know, that they should probably try to do it first, without any invitation. (I wish somebody had taught me how, back at that time when I was dancing with the autistic kids).
Of course, my deepest aspiration is learning to understand my daughter’s behavior and intentions. I want to learn to see the world’s dimensions from her perspective and applying her mindset. It is also my deepest aspiration that people, who somehow affects Amelia’s life, will at least try to understand that she might see things in a different structure and pattern. Already have I experienced rejections and empty blinks (sky turned regards?) from grown-ups because of Amelia’s different behavior. It is painful for a parent, who wants to introduce her own child into this colorful world by all means. Not only rejections have I experienced, but also angry comments (fortunately not that often, but often enough at airports), un-needful advice on parenting or just stupid and empty comments about life. Sometimes I had to leave places in tears.
I think my daughter lives in different spectrum and I know she is happy within her comfort zone. I will despite the challenges we face as a family, learn how things work for her. But also people’s acceptance of my daughter uniqueness is so important to me, so I will just cry out:
A child with Autism is not ignoring you; they are waiting for you to enter their world!
But from the dept of my heart, I am still rejecting the possibility that she might have autism, as it is still all very recent and unfamiliar.
Now, as I have shared my secret, in return I ask for your help.
I believe in the power of Universe. I believe that “thoughts are magnetic, and thoughts have a frequency. As you think, those thoughts are sent out into Universe, and they magnetically attract all like things and are on the same frequency. Everything sent out returns to the source” -“The Secret”, Rhonda Byrne.
Let’s in one of the Christmas days, at least for a second, create a loving, warm and caring, sincere thought to a child, who might be sick, have alcoholic or maybe no parents, or just be trapped in a mental place different from “ordinary” people. Let’s send these thoughts to the Universe. And then the Universe will equally distribute it to these kids, who need it. Let’s believe in miracles- let’s create a miracle.
And I finish my secret with the citation:
“Autism is about having a pure heart and being very sensitive… It is about finding a way to survive in an overwhelming, confusing world… It is about developing differently, in a different pace and with different leaps” – Unknown.
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